he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need to align my fucking chakras
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
