I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
