I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
