this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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