I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize