It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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