note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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