.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
