I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
