i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
