Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
