i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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