so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
