I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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