Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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