mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
