I think im going to throw up on grandma
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
