it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
