Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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