My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This baby is an asshole
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
