Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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