hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
