just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
