dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize