Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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