Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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