hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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