New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize