based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i love accidental penises.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
