tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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