i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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