cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize