apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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