I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
