I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
