But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
