For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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