Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
