The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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