dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize