How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize