God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
