I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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