there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize