; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
