i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
