If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize