Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
