The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
