I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
