Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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