my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
