I skipped work to stalk him.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
