one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
