well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he thought i was a dude.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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