Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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